My terror stems from my absolute inability to work and, without continuing benefits, I cannot envision any sort of future and am finding myself seriously planning suicide should I be denied. I cannot think of any way around this end: either I continue to eke out a meager existence, finding what pleasure and usefulness I can out of life, or I give up my life as I will not be able to provide shelter, food or anything for myself. All of my conditions are at red-alert status, every gain I have made is gone. I can see no alternative for myself right now.

My quality of life is such that I have made all the concessions I can, all of the internal negotiating of which I am capable and, together with everything in my life going as wrong as it can within a couple of years, I was already fragile. I was already racheting up on symptoms when I learned I would have to prove, once again – and in this economy – that I was unable to work. I have few medical records for the last few years as I have grown increasingly frustrated with the inability of the medical community to help, have become paranoid of medications, so I feel really screwed about documenting my current situation.

Any tips on increasing the odds that I can insure my being able to continue on disability? I tend to be so ashamed of being disabled or of being viewed as weak, am so good at disassociating, that I often appear to be fine by hiding my symptoms and condition for short periods of time, and isolate when I cannot. Anything? Thanks much.